Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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