Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
