im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
