Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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