Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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