Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
