Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
