I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's never too late to be topless.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
