There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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