Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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