I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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