The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have aggressive nipples.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
