She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize