Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
