our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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