once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
