just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
