tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
