It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Boobs are out for the taking
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
