Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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