I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize