He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize