he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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