You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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