OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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