Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
