I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
