Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
