I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
