How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
