having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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