i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
