your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
