I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
