I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
