Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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