I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
