I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
