Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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