yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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