New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
