I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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