i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
