Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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