Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize