Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
