How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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