I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
