He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
