I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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