proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
did i just pee glitter
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