I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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