You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
