I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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