Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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