So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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