A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
