I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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