I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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