I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
