you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
