Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
